Confidence

Fadó, fadó (Long ago), I had amazing self-confidence.  Even when I was at my heaviest weight of over 350 pounds, I rocked my curves and strutted everywhere I went, drawing appreciative looks from men (and some women).  I know my self-confidence was a big part of what the Knight was attracted to.  But after the Knight broke up with me, I lost it all. It just went plummeting down the drain and flowed out of my life.  It got so bad that I went back to therapy.  When I lost the Knight, I lost something more important – I lost my happy.  And I don’t mean I lost the person who made me happy, because I was very happy long before the Knight.  No, I lost that essential part of me that was confident and happy all on her own.  And I’ll admit, for a very long time, I was terrified I’d never get it back.

But the last couple of weeks I’ve noticed myself having glimpsed that confidence again.  I’ll be having a conversation and I’ll make a comment like “I’m too damn sexy for him anyways,” or “I know I’m smart, sexy, beautiful, and awesome.”  Before I’d say it and sound like I meant it, but inside the words would sound hollow and empty to me.  They had no meaning.  But now I’ve noticed that I actually mean it. I actually believe it again.

I don’t feel this way all the time yet; trust me there are still more days when I feel fat and ugly than days when I feel sexy and beautiful. But I’m getting there.  I’m having those confident days again.  I’m really over the Knight and I’m really becoming myself again.  And fuck, that feels good!

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Wow, time flies…

So, it’s been over 2 years since I posted.  In all honesty, I kind of forgot this blog even existed.  But I’m happy I found it, because I want to start writing again.  Quick catch up over the last 2 years…

It’s taken me until this past winter to be over The Knight.  After the breakup in November, 2014, I didn’t see him again.  We talked a couple times, and I got some closure, but honestly, I was only able to really get full closure because in March of 2016, he moved across the country to California with his new girlfriend.  That distance was what I needed, because I know if he was still only an hour’s drive from me, I never would have been able to let go of the idea of us getting back together.  We stayed in touch on Facebook, and he’ll always be important to me. He is the love of my life. But I know that just because you love someone, there’s no guarantee it will work out.  I know he cares about me and we will always be there for each other, and that means the world to me. I’m ok with having just that.

I haven’t dated much since then…some short term things here and there, but now I’m ready to get back out there.  And not just with dating, but to start having fun and living my life again. Getting over The Knight took a long time, and I hid away for most of it.  And then, this past fall I was making an effort to be in the present, to get involved in life again, and in the first week of December…I slipped off one measly little wet step on my best friend’s back porch, and broke my leg. Dislocated my ankle, too. Had to have surgery the next day.  Isn’t my hardware pretty?

I especially like the one long pin that goes completely through the fibula into the tibia. Pretty, right? I was off my feet for 3 months while that healed, and am only back to walking without crutches as of last week. On to just a cane now, yay!

And it’s a good thing, too, because I have a lot of plans this year.  I’m hoping to have revision WLS sometime this Spring, my Soul Sister is coming to stay with me from Canada for a week in May, my best friend A is getting married in July, I’m going to SCOTLAND for a MONTH this summer, of course I’ll struggle through NaNoWriMo in November, and I’m hoping to spend New Years Eve in Dublin, Ireland! Plus, I’m planning a trip for me and my friends to go to Iceland for a week next March to celebrate my 40th birthday! I told you, I’m ready to get out and start living my life again!

And I want to document it…the good, the bad, the ugly and especially the crazy.  So plan on spending some time with me in the next year, and don’t forget your camera! There’s going to be a lot you won’t want to miss!

XOXO

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Two Things I Try and Remember When I’m Having a Rough Day

When my depression hits, I tell myself

f03e3fc58a97a6d409369e9714a32521 and try to ignore the sweet tortures she is whispering in my mind.

When my anxiety come clawing back, I try to remember

20b311c1331ee0cc6927060454e9f6cdand tell myself that whatever is going to happen will happen whether I worry about it or not, and stepping on cracks doesn’t really break my Mother’s back.

 

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I Swear I’m Only One Person

I was so proud and satisfied with myself after building my table this morning. Now I am shaky and weepy and anxious-y.  My mood swings are faster that a buttered kid going down an aluminum slide.  I thought PMS was supposed to come before your moon cycle, not during.  It’s like a Twilight Vampire Apocalypse attacked a middle school over here with all this blood and crazy.

I swear there’s only one person writing this blog.  At least, that I know of.  I don’t remember “going away” at any point in the day today so someone else could “come out and play”.

I don’t have multiple personalities.

I’m just crazy.

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I Ikea, Do You?

Spent the morning building my new kitchen/dinning table.  Ok, maybe not actually building it.  More like like trying to decipher the badly drawn images to figure out what screws into what hole (shut up) and then almost killing my cat Wolfie when I went to slide the heavy tabletop down from the wall it was propped up against onto the floor (she was sleeping underneath it, like it was a little wooden tent.  Adorable, but I almost ended up with a Wolfie Pancake, and everyone knows I don’t eat bread products anymore.).

Thanks for the help, Gumby.

Thanks for the help, Gumby.

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Feeling Useful

Since going on SSDI, I’ve struggled with feeling useless and like a drain on society and on my family (who, thanks to the fabulous government we have, help me out financially from time to time).  Now, don’t get your poopy-pants all twisted because you think I’m implying that everyone on SSI, SSDI, Welfare, government assistance, etc is a drain on society.  I’m not.  Dude, I’m one of those people! I’m just saying that personally, I feel like a mooch, and I hate it.

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Cannot Brain Today

I has the dumbs.

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The Appearance of Anxiety

I have depression.  Several types, actually.

I have MS.

My MS gives me migraines, severe fatigue, tremors, restless legs, body pain, and leg weakness.

I have insomnia.

I don’t have anxiety.

At least, I never have before.  I don’t think.  Maybe?

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Chicken Butt and Rhino Vagina

For two weeks I was talking to a guy from OKC (OKCupid) named Brian. I wasn’t really too interested, but he seemed nice and I wasn’t talking to anyone else.  We didn’t have anything in common, unless you count the fact that he had a tattoo (but since it was one of the Virgin Mary, I kinda don’t).  He was very complimentary, which, let’s be honest, is awesome.  Who wouldn’t want to hear “You’re beautiful” or “hello sexy” every day?  But the more boring and meaningless texts we sent back and forth, the more I realized not only wasn’t I interested, I just didn’t even want to talk to him anymore.

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Planting and Harvesting, Round 1

Last week I to this fantastic greenhouse/plant store/gift shop and picked up some herbs and veggies for my first round of planting.  (If you live anywhere near Warren, RI, I suggest you visit it! It’s called Frerichs Farm, and they are awesome!  Cheaper than any other place I’ve ever been to – including Lowe’s and Home Depot – and their plants thrive and last so much longer than ones from other places.  In fact, even if you live nowhere near Warren, RI, I suggest you make the trip.  It’s totally worth it!)

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