Confidence

Fadó, fadó (Long ago), I had amazing self-confidence.  Even when I was at my heaviest weight of over 350 pounds, I rocked my curves and strutted everywhere I went, drawing appreciative looks from men (and some women).  I know my self-confidence was a big part of what the Knight was attracted to.  But after the Knight broke up with me, I lost it all. It just went plummeting down the drain and flowed out of my life.  It got so bad that I went back to therapy.  When I lost the Knight, I lost something more important – I lost my happy.  And I don’t mean I lost the person who made me happy, because I was very happy long before the Knight.  No, I lost that essential part of me that was confident and happy all on her own.  And I’ll admit, for a very long time, I was terrified I’d never get it back.

But the last couple of weeks I’ve noticed myself having glimpsed that confidence again.  I’ll be having a conversation and I’ll make a comment like “I’m too damn sexy for him anyways,” or “I know I’m smart, sexy, beautiful, and awesome.”  Before I’d say it and sound like I meant it, but inside the words would sound hollow and empty to me.  They had no meaning.  But now I’ve noticed that I actually mean it. I actually believe it again.

I don’t feel this way all the time yet; trust me there are still more days when I feel fat and ugly than days when I feel sexy and beautiful. But I’m getting there.  I’m having those confident days again.  I’m really over the Knight and I’m really becoming myself again.  And fuck, that feels good!

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Wow, time flies…

So, it’s been over 2 years since I posted.  In all honesty, I kind of forgot this blog even existed.  But I’m happy I found it, because I want to start writing again.  Quick catch up over the last 2 years…

It’s taken me until this past winter to be over The Knight.  After the breakup in November, 2014, I didn’t see him again.  We talked a couple times, and I got some closure, but honestly, I was only able to really get full closure because in March of 2016, he moved across the country to California with his new girlfriend.  That distance was what I needed, because I know if he was still only an hour’s drive from me, I never would have been able to let go of the idea of us getting back together.  We stayed in touch on Facebook, and he’ll always be important to me. He is the love of my life. But I know that just because you love someone, there’s no guarantee it will work out.  I know he cares about me and we will always be there for each other, and that means the world to me. I’m ok with having just that.

I haven’t dated much since then…some short term things here and there, but now I’m ready to get back out there.  And not just with dating, but to start having fun and living my life again. Getting over The Knight took a long time, and I hid away for most of it.  And then, this past fall I was making an effort to be in the present, to get involved in life again, and in the first week of December…I slipped off one measly little wet step on my best friend’s back porch, and broke my leg. Dislocated my ankle, too. Had to have surgery the next day.  Isn’t my hardware pretty?

I especially like the one long pin that goes completely through the fibula into the tibia. Pretty, right? I was off my feet for 3 months while that healed, and am only back to walking without crutches as of last week. On to just a cane now, yay!

And it’s a good thing, too, because I have a lot of plans this year.  I’m hoping to have revision WLS sometime this Spring, my Soul Sister is coming to stay with me from Canada for a week in May, my best friend A is getting married in July, I’m going to SCOTLAND for a MONTH this summer, of course I’ll struggle through NaNoWriMo in November, and I’m hoping to spend New Years Eve in Dublin, Ireland! Plus, I’m planning a trip for me and my friends to go to Iceland for a week next March to celebrate my 40th birthday! I told you, I’m ready to get out and start living my life again!

And I want to document it…the good, the bad, the ugly and especially the crazy.  So plan on spending some time with me in the next year, and don’t forget your camera! There’s going to be a lot you won’t want to miss!

XOXO

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Six months later, I’m back

So I disappeared for a while.  Things with The Knight started going amazing and we ended up in a great relationship.

That’s over now.

So, I’m back.

Yes, I’m like that annoying friend that only wants you when I don’t have a man in my life.  But I know you love me anyways 😉

Things that are new: not much.  I’m single, and heartbroken and pissed off.  I’m not in the mood for Christmas (which is not new, I never have good ones and it never fails to be a sad, upsetting holiday for me).

I decided I needed a change so I dyed my hair pink.  But since I’m a natural redhead, it came out kind of magenta on top and dark peach on the bottom, like a sunset – I LOVE it!  It makes me feel sexy and fun and even sophisticated, if that makes sense.  Just what I needed to cheer me up 🙂

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Interview #1

I love answering questions in interview form like I’m someone other people are fascinated with (someday I’ll be famous. I’m not sure for what yet – it may just before my own personal brand of craziness, but I’ll take what I can get.).   Sorry to say, this means you, dear readers, are going to have to read my “interviews”.  Or, you could just skip over them.  I suppose that’s always an option, too.

Anywhore, here’s the first one.  Found these “questions” in a magazine and I thought it was a great way to start.  I’d love to hear your own answers to these in your own blog post or even just in the comments!

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Oprah’s Reply

Received this reply from O Magazine today:

Thank you for taking the time to write us and sharing your thoughts on the Gratitude Meter piece. We deeply apologize if this issue offends you and we genuinely take every reader’s opinion into account. Please know your voice is heard and we hope you continue to find value in O. Sincerely, The Editors

Sad that they think the biggest problem is that they offended me, and not the fact that they rated a snack food over the powerful messages “When I Walk” has to offer, since O is usually about encouragement and empowerment.

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Dear Oprah

I’m usually very happy with everything in each month’s O magazine, but this month (July 2014) there’s something that is really bothering me. In your Gratitude Meter, you list the the movie When I Walk, which is a documentary about a man’s life with Multiple Sclerosis, as a 1. You then list an ATM-like machine that dispenses cupcakes as a 5.

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Friendship: To Keep or Not To keep

Yesterday on my Facebook, myself and three different friends of mine (who don’t know each other and are not connected with each other in any way other than the fact that they know me) posted a status or article about ending a friendship.  I don’t believe in coincidences, but rather in synchronicity.  It seems, the Universe wasn’t just speaking; it was yelling.

I have two stories of losing long-term friends.

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Low

I hit a low point about a week and a half ago and I’m having trouble pulling myself out of it.

There’s a lot floating in my head.  Most of it is sadness, loneliness, and what I’m sure most people would call self-pity.  Some has to do with my MS.  Most with being alone and how my future looks like more of the same.

Last night I saw M, a man I’ve know a few years and am FWB with.  He’s amazing in bed.  Not a hard fuck, but he knows how to have soft, slow sex, the kind that makes me feel like I’m with someone who cares about me.  He says he cares about me, likes to tell me he loves me when we’re having sex.  But he’s poly-amorous, which I won’t get involved with.  I have enough problems feeling sad and alone on my own, I don’t need to think of the man I’m dating being with someone else.  I’ve always said the day that he makes me cry is the day I walk away from him.  Last night on the ride home I cried.

Thing is, it was more about the situation, than him.  When he was telling me he loved me, it made me so sad.  Made me realize that there isn’t anyone out there who does love me (and don’t say my parents or friends, that’s not the kind of love I’m talking about).  I suppose there are many, many people out there who feel this way, but all I’ve ever wanted was to be in a relationship and be in love.  My sister always wanted a career and a PhD.  I always wanted a husband and kids.  She’s married, I’ve never even come close.

I’m working on accepting a future without kids.  With my illnesses, it’s seemingly like the smartest decision more and more each day.  But goddess, I still hate the thought of being alone.  I’m not made to be alone.  I’m at my lowest when it’s just me.  I’m happier, more positive, calmer, even healthier when I’m with someone.  And it’s not because I need validation that I’m a good person or because of a lack of self-esteem.  I’ve got plenty of self-confidence.  I have plenty of love.  I just don’t have anybody to give it to, and that makes me feel so very sad.

Last night when M was telling me he loved me and wanted me to tell him I loved him, it took me out of the toe-curling orgasms, where I had gone to escape the funk I had been battling the last couple days, and put me back into that low spot.  It’s been years since someone has told me they loved me, and even longer since they actually meant it.

I just… god, I feel pathetic even writing this to a bunch of strangers… I just want someone to love me.

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Crash

Amazing how you can go from flying high in one minute to crashing low in the next, all thanks to the actions of another person.

I’m not going to go into details; frankly it’s not something I want to think about right now.  I just want to let the feelings wash through me, blame myself, shift to thinking this person is an asshole, and then come out the other side in my bubble of not giving a fuck.  It’s something I’ve been through many times and I know the routine well.  I feel things too deeply and too personally.  I don’t want to be someone who is cold and unfeeling, but sometimes I think apathy is highly underrated.

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Finally, Date Night with The Knight

I’m ridiculously excited about tonight.  Actually, that’s not true.  I’m riCOCKulously excited about tonight!!!

For the past year I’ve been “friends” with a guy I call The Knight.  We dated last summer, things feel apart, and we didn’t talk for a couple months.  Then we reconnected around Christmas and since then we’ve become very good sex friends.  Not dating – he’s a self-proclaimed commitment-phobe and has stated he’ll never commit to any woman ever again – but rather good friends who have UH-MAZ-ING sex.

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