Chicken Butt and Rhino Vagina

For two weeks I was talking to a guy from OKC (OKCupid) named Brian. I wasn’t really too interested, but he seemed nice and I wasn’t talking to anyone else.  We didn’t have anything in common, unless you count the fact that he had a tattoo (but since it was one of the Virgin Mary, I kinda don’t).  He was very complimentary, which, let’s be honest, is awesome.  Who wouldn’t want to hear “You’re beautiful” or “hello sexy” every day?  But the more boring and meaningless texts we sent back and forth, the more I realized not only wasn’t I interested, I just didn’t even want to talk to him anymore.

Then somehow, we ended up going a week without talking and I realized it had been a peaceful week.  A quiet week in which I didn’t see him name pop up on my cell and roll my eyes and say “Aw crap, not again!”  In fact, it had been so nice not talking to him, that I didn’t even realized I hadn’t talked to him for a week until he called me.  Then I went “Oh, shit, I thought he was gone for good.”  But no, he was a persistent little fella.

After that week of silence the best part was, we had NOTHING to talk about.  Seriously, there were full minutes of silence as I tried to think of the nicest way to tell him I wanted nothing to do with him and at the same time pretend I was extremely busy and that was why I wasn’t talking.   The silence stretched until he said, “Guess what?”

I was expecting something sexual, since he had told me before that I made him hard or that he was thinking of me and touching himself.  So I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and said “What?”

“Chicken Butt,” he said back and laughed.

What.  The.  Fuck?  Yes, he said Chicken Butt. As in the joke from the 80’s, Guess what?  Chicken Butt!  Never heard that?  Yeah, you probably weren’t as cool as the dorks I went to school with.

There were no words.  I literally didn’t have anything to say back to him.  Not just because I didn’t think responding with “Rhino Vagina!” would be inappropriate, but because I was too stunned to actually form any words at all.  I think I squeezed out a fake, slightly hysterical laugh.  I know.  I ended the conversation quickly after that.

And then ten minutes later accepted the fact that I was a chicken shit (but not, I will proudly point out, a Chicken Butt) and sent him a text telling him I thought he was a sweet guy but that I just wasn’t interested and that we just didn’t have anything in common.  He was genuinely shocked, asking if I was serious.  Apparently most women are incapable of saying no to a man who uses the ancient art of Chicken Butt Seduction.  But I remained strong, and that was the end of that.  Even after he tried to guilt trip me by saying “Story of my life…”  Gee, wonder why women tell you that a lot?  Could it have something to do with Chicken Butt?

Or so I thought.

A week later, Chicken Butt Boy (as he will now forever be known) texted me again.  At 11:30 at night.  While he was drunk.  To tell me he was drunk.  And that he missed talking to me.  And that I should feel flattered that he was thinking of me when he was drunk.  (Step 2 in the Chicken Butt Seduction manual).  I managed to get out of that conversation by telling him I appreciated his kind words, but that I had been sleeping.  Game over, I win!

Four days later… another text.  Just ignored it this time.  I don’t know how else to tell him I’m not interested without being mean, and if I can, I’d like to avoid that.  I mean, really, who wants to tell someone that they blew their chances of dating you because they made a Chicken Butt joke.

However, the good news is that I now have a new saying for those awkward moments of silence when you feel the oppressive need to speak but nothing comes to mind.  What?  No, of course I’m not talking about saying Chicken Butt!  I’m talking about screaming “Rhino” Vagina and pointing, then while the other person is distracted looking for said Rhino vag, running as fast and as far away as possible.

Rhino Vag saves the day!

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About Becki

I'm Becki, I'm 39, and I'm crazy (but also fucking awesome). :) You can follow me on Twitter @Koppur (pronounced Copper, like the color of my hair - Redheads kick ass!) or just adore me here.
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3 Responses to Chicken Butt and Rhino Vagina

  1. thenarcissistwrites says:

    Oh man. You need to learn the art of blocking phone numbers and people on websites and then sleeping peacefully forever 😛

  2. kutukamus says:

    Hi Becki. I’m from the pool. Already typed this but comments are closed now. So I guess I just put it here (feel free to tosh this away).

    On the contrary, your blog does have a theme: farrago. 🙂 Don’t worry about that. A blog can be as specific as “HTML tricks for wordpress.com” (which talks nothing about anything else) or as nonspecific as “Cafe talk” (which actually can talk about everything in this universe or even beyond). And if I’m not mistaken, yours is one of those blogs whose main priority is to make the writer feel good about what they write. If so, then I suggest you just keep doing that, and see how it works.

    About ‘category’, I can’t say anything just yet (only 5 posts so far). But I guess you might have some homework with ‘tag’. Take “Chicken Butt and Rhino Vagina”, for instance. You can tag this post with, say, [online dating, guess what seduction, chicken butt, rhino vagina]–four tags, instead of just one. The last two are good, but you can strip them off since they’re on the title anyway. But I really suggest you get rid of ‘dating’ since there’s ‘online dating’ already (for all I know, superfluous tagging will do us no good).

    Oh, one more thing: it looks like do everything twice on your ‘side-bar’. 🙂
    Good luck.

    • Becki says:

      Thanks for the feedback! I appreciate it 🙂 I’m still working out tags, so your advice is definitely helpful there. I was under the impression the more tags the better, but I see your point about “dating” and “online dating”. The design theme layout offers “parent tags” so I tried to set up Dating as a tag and then “online” and “in person” as tags under it, but I think I messed it up. Got to do some more playing around there. Same thing with things appearing twice on my sidebar, go to figure out how to get rid of that. Thanks for your help! 🙂

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