The Appearance of Anxiety

I have depression.  Several types, actually.

I have MS.

My MS gives me migraines, severe fatigue, tremors, restless legs, body pain, and leg weakness.

I have insomnia.

I don’t have anxiety.

At least, I never have before.  I don’t think.  Maybe?

Sure, there were the times when I would make myself sick at the thought of going to school the next day, but that was because of the bullies.  Or the period that lasted a couple weeks when I was in second grade and every day I’d have a panic attack, convinced my Mom was going to die before I could see her and tell her I loved her again (even though I had just told her that when she put me on the bus that morning).  And occasionally I’d have a freak out over some irrational thought, like a murderer breaking into my apartment and stabbing me, or my house catching fire when I was out and my cats burning into kitty crisps.  But I never had anxiety.

Oh…wait.

Shit.

I’m feeling that jumpy, nervous, shaky, um, well, anxious feeling right now and I don’t know why.  All I’ve done today is a little gardening, some blog writing, and lots of tv watching.  I have freelance work due on Monday morning, but I know I can get it all done tomorrow night.  Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and I have to go out early to get the second half of Mom’s gift and a card before she gets here, but that will take all of a half hour, no big deal.

Maybe it’s because I started taking my vitamins again today?  And as a result forgot to take one of my anti-crazy pills?  But I’ve skipped my anti-crazy pills before (stomach problems) and not gotten this feeling this is a lot like anxiety but that I’m refusing to call anxiety.  I had a Pimm’s today, so that should have helped me relax.  It could be because I haven’t eaten a lot today, but I’m currently eating some chicken and broccoli, so that can’t be it.

My palms are sweaty.  My feet, too.  And when I look at the clock and see it’s after 10, I get a surge of acid in my stomach that it’s so late, and I have to get up so early tomorrow, and I have a physically tiring day tomorrow, but I’m not tired at all.

And the fact that J joined a Facebook group that celebrates BBW, of which I am one, though not a member of that group, should make me happy, because it means he actually does find me sexy and when we’re in bed together he really is enjoying my body and not thinking it’s be better if I was skinnier, which is a fear I’ve kept secret from him.  But that fact just made me, you know, that a word.  Or more of that a word, since I was already feeling it when I saw that pop up in my news feed.

In the past, when I’ve felt like this for no apparent reason, it’s always turned out that something big was happening or about to happen.  (Did I mentioned I’m kind of psychic in the way that I read the tarot and see and talk to spirits?  Like, for reals.  Used to do it professionally in Boston).  Sometimes it was a good thing, but usually, not.  Which just makes this feeling stronger.

So now I’m worried about my brother-in-law, who just had a kidney transplant last week and has virtually no immune system right now, but is cooped up with his parents and his brother (who has a cold) visiting from TX for the week in his and my sister’s tiny house.

I’m worried about J, who is on the road for work and is going to be driving home in the next day or two at 2 in the morning.

I’m worried about the house catching fire and my cats being burned up like little kitty crisps.

I’m worried about the bills I still haven’t paid this month and the single digit amount I have left in my checking account until my next check…next month.

Because I’m feeling like this, I’m worried that when I take my pills tonight they’ll make me sick to my stomach.  And that I’ll be awake all night.  And that I won’t have time to finish Mom’s gift tomorrow morning.  Or my work tomorrow night.

I’m afraid this means I have a new problem.  Which means another medication.  Or another step closer to another breakdown.

Butterflies in my stomach?  More like cannibalistic T-rex’s.

God, I’m never going to get to sleep tonight.

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About Becki

I'm Becki, I'm 39, and I'm crazy (but also fucking awesome). :) You can follow me on Twitter @Koppur (pronounced Copper, like the color of my hair - Redheads kick ass!) or just adore me here.
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