Feeling Blah

I’m feeling kinda blah today.  A little sad, somewhat bored, and definitely lonely.  Tired, too.  And because its such a beautiful day (low 80’s, bright sun, no humidity), I feel guilty for feeling blah.  If it was a rainy, dark day, I wouldn’t feel bad about feeling bad.  But because it’s so nice out, I feel like I should be out doing something, or at the very least, in a good mood while I’m inside.  But the tap-tap-tapping of sadness is creeping up on me.

I take 2 types of anti-depressants.  The Wellbutrin works for my OCD, obsessive thoughts, anxiety, depression, and anger, and the Paxil for my anxiety and depression.  Since having stomach weight loss surgery 2 years ago, I have trouble taking my meds.  I can’t get the Wellbutrin down too early in the day, and by the time I can, I often forget about them.  The Paxil has made me sick to my stomach.  I get severe heartburn that build until I start vomiting and then the Paxil and all the other meds I take at night come back up.  As a result, I don’t take my Paxil every night anymore.  I take it on nights when I don’t already have heartburn, and when I have time to take it with a decent amount of food, at least an hour before I’ll take the rest of my nighttime meds.

Today was the second day in a row I took my Wellbutrin.  I can feel it building back up already, as I’m obsessing over things less today than when I was having major anxiety on Sunday.  Last night was the first night in about a week I was able to take my Paxil.  Hoping I can get a couple nights of it in, in a row, so it builds back up in my system and I feel better.

It’s become a weird cycle for me.  Take my meds, and feel better emotionally.  Then have a day where I take my meds and I get sick physically so I skip the next day.  Feel better physically.  Don’t take my meds for another couple days because I don’t want to feel sick again, and hit an emotional wall.  Worry taking my meds will make me sick, until I’m having anxiety about it.  Finally take my meds, feel better emotionally.  Repeat cycle.

I wish I could say it’s worth it all, but some days, I just don’t know.  Some days I wish I could undo my surgery.  Before my surgery I was killing myself by being 5’4″ and 360 pounds.  Now I’m 250 pounds, but I play Emotional Russian Roulette every week or two.  I just don’t think I’ll ever find a balance between my brain and my body.

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About Becki

I'm Becki, I'm 39, and I'm crazy (but also fucking awesome). :) You can follow me on Twitter @Koppur (pronounced Copper, like the color of my hair - Redheads kick ass!) or just adore me here.
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