Singles Night, Part 2

So, how was Singles Night?

No fricken chicken idea.  I didn’t go.

Now, in all fairness, I didn’t not go because of my anxiety.  So yay for me! 🙂

I didn’t go because of my fatigue.  So boo for my MS.

I spent all day with Mum shopping.  We went to the nursery and bought more plants for my garden, then to Wal-Mart, then to lunch, then to Khol’s.  We were out for about 4 hours, which is pretty much my limit before my fatigue takes over and I need to crash.  Back at her house, I was sitting on the couch trying to read, and I could barely keep my eyes open.  All I wanted to do was go home and go to bed.  And it was only quarter of 5.

My eyes were heavy and burning, my brain was swimming in a thick fog, and my arms were actually having trouble holding the magazine up so I could read it.  This is the difference between being tired like a regular person and being tired from fatigue.  When you’re just tired, your body is a little worn out, but you can still function.  You can still use your arms, you can still speak in coherent sentences, your eyes don’t cross from trying to stay in focus.  But with fatigue, it’s like your whole body is trying to move in drying cement.  You can be dying of thirst but that actually seems preferable to finding the energy to lift your arm up, stretch it allll the way over to your drink, pick up the drink, bring it allll the way back to you, lift it up to your mouth, hold it there while you drink, then lower it, and put it allll the way back over on the table.

That’s the other thing people don’t understand.  There are no simple tasks when you are in though pea soup of fatigue.  Even the tiniest thing suddenly had 10 times more steps that you ever would have imagined, because it takes so much energy just to complete.  Take getting out of bed just to walk to the couch to lay down.  Most people think, Oh, that’s 3 steps. Get out of bed, walk to the couch, lay down.  But it’s not.  It’s 10 steps.  First, you lay in bed gathering the energy to get up.  Then when you get enough energy flowing through your body, you sit up.  Step three, swing your legs over to the edge of the bed.  Here is where I usually slouch for 10 or 15 minutes, regathering my strength.  Next, slide off the bed so my feet are touching the floor, but I’m still leaning on the bed.  Step five, stand up off the bed, and if you have bad balance like me, fall forward and catch yourself on the wall before you tip onto the floor and end up spending your day down there.  Then comes the Fatigue Shuffle.  It’s not really walking, because walking involved lifting your feet off the floor.  This is just moving your feet forward, and inch at a time, as you hold on to whatever you come across for balance, as you make that long trek to the couch.  Days like this I’m grateful my apartment is less than 500 square feet.  By the time you reach the couch, you’re at step seven, and you flop down on the couch, with no concern for getting comfortable, only worrying about getting off your feet.  Steps eight, nine, and ten consist of shifting positions, a little at each time, until you reach a place where you may not be comfortable, but you won’t cramp up if you fall asleep.  And as you fall asleep, you feel proud of yourself for getting up and getting out of bed today, for beating your fatigue today.

And so yesterday, as I was slowly sinking into a quicksand pool of fatigue, I knew I wasn’t making it to the bar that night.  I highly doubted I’d make it to 9:00 that night.  So I headed home, heavy metal blaring loudly, windows open, cold drink by my side, all to keep me alert.  Everyone was meeting at the bar around 8:15 last night.  By 8:30 I was dozing on the couch, and by 9 I was sound asleep in bed.  I slept til 11 this morning.  And I’m still a little tired.

But, tonight I’m going to try and make it to another event.  This is at a different bar, with a different group of people (also a group I joined about 2 years ago but haven’t actually met yet).  I slept in and I’ve been doing nothing but laundry all day, so I’ll have some energy tonight.  Fatigue won’t keep me in tonight.  Let’s hope fear doesn’t either.

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About Becki

I'm Becki, I'm 39, and I'm crazy (but also fucking awesome). :) You can follow me on Twitter @Koppur (pronounced Copper, like the color of my hair - Redheads kick ass!) or just adore me here.
This entry was posted in Anxiety, Dating, Fatigue, MS and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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