Oh my god, I am such a failure. 😦
I backed out of the other event tonight. I’m not even sure why. I could give you a great list of reasons: I’m still tired from yesterday; I took at nap at 6:30 and didn’t wake up til after 8 and it started at 8:15; by the time I got there after my nap it would have been close to 9:30; I didn’t feel like driving there in the rain; I’m too old to go out that late (I’m 36, old, seriously???)…
But I just didn’t want to go. I don’t know why I didn’t want to go, though. I mean, listening to a live band at a bar is something I love to do. Normally I am not weird about going out later at night. I hate to say it, but I think it was the walking-into-a-group-of-people-I-don’t-know-by-myself part that bothered me. Sad to say, but if I had someone to go with me, I would have been ok. I just didn’t want to go alone.
God, I HATE this! I was never afraid to do things like this! Or, if I was, I forced myself to do them anyways. But now I’m just backing out and using stupid things as my excuses. How am I ever supposed to meet anyone just sitting on my couch every night like a failure at life? WTF am I going to do?
I’m really beating myself up over this, but notice, not enough to actually go out and do anything to change it. I used to think things like this were because of my depression but I’m not depressed right now. I’m actually on a pretty good level lately. So I have to wonder, is this something to do with my new friend, anxiety?
Discovering I have anxiety is making me crazy, in more ways that one. It’s like I have to reevaluate the way I think and respond to things because my natural instinct is off. But how do you slam that back into place? How do you fix that?
And I feel guilty, too. My Mom wanted me to go last night, and then tonight. She wants me to meet new people, at least some new friends. She worries about me. I know she does because she tells me that. And I hate the thought of telling her that I didn’t go tonight. I’ll tell her the truth, that I napped until after 8, then I took a shower and was just too tired to go, but I know she’ll still be worried. And that guilt is like mold – it just helps breed the anxiety bacteria.
I keep thinking maybe I should just accept the fact that I’m not like I used to be. I’m not comfortable going alone to bars, even if it’s to meet up with a group of people I don’t know. I mean, if it was a class I wanted to take, I would have gone. If it was a workshop or a lecture or something like that I would have gone. But maybe I’m just not a bar-by-myself kind of person.
Maybe that’s ok. Maybe I’ll make friends somewhere else.
Anybody got any suggestions?