Such a Failure

Oh my god, I am such a failure. 😦

I backed out of the other event tonight.  I’m not even sure why.  I could give you a great list of reasons: I’m still tired from yesterday; I took at nap at 6:30 and didn’t wake up til after 8 and it started at 8:15; by the time I got there after my nap it would have been close to 9:30; I didn’t feel like driving there in the rain;  I’m too old to go out that late (I’m 36, old, seriously???)…

But I just didn’t want to go.  I don’t know why I didn’t want to go, though.  I mean, listening to a live band at a bar is something I love to do.  Normally I am not weird about going out later at night.  I hate to say it, but I think it was the walking-into-a-group-of-people-I-don’t-know-by-myself part that bothered me.  Sad to say, but if I had someone to go with me, I would have been ok.  I just didn’t want to go alone.

God, I HATE this! I was never afraid to do things like this!  Or, if I was, I forced myself to do them anyways.  But now I’m just backing out and using stupid things as my excuses.  How am I ever supposed to meet anyone just sitting on my couch every night like a failure at life? WTF am I going to do?

I’m really beating myself up over this, but notice, not enough to actually go out and do anything to change it.  I used to think things like this were because of my depression but I’m not depressed right now.  I’m actually on a pretty good level lately.  So I have to wonder, is this something to do with my new friend, anxiety?

Discovering I have anxiety is making me crazy, in more ways that one.  It’s like I have to reevaluate the way I think and respond to things because my natural instinct is off.  But how do you slam that back into place?  How do you fix that?

And I feel guilty, too.  My Mom wanted me to go last night, and then tonight.  She wants me to meet new people, at least some new friends.  She worries about me.  I know she does because she tells me that.  And I hate the thought of telling her that I didn’t go tonight.  I’ll tell her the truth, that I napped until after 8, then I took a shower and was just too tired to go, but I know she’ll still be worried.  And that guilt is like mold – it just helps breed the anxiety bacteria.

I keep thinking maybe I should just accept the fact that I’m not like I used to be.  I’m not comfortable going alone to bars, even if it’s to meet up with a group of people I don’t know.  I mean, if it was a class I wanted to take, I would have gone.  If it was a workshop or a lecture or something like that I would have gone.  But maybe I’m just not a bar-by-myself kind of person.

Maybe that’s ok.  Maybe I’ll make friends somewhere else.

Anybody got any suggestions?

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About Becki

I'm Becki, I'm 39, and I'm crazy (but also fucking awesome). :) You can follow me on Twitter @Koppur (pronounced Copper, like the color of my hair - Redheads kick ass!) or just adore me here.
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2 Responses to Such a Failure

  1. mickologist says:

    From one anxiety sufferer to another, and I really don’t want this to come out sounding harsh, but I’ve been in that position before. We start making excuses for ourselves so we don’t do something we don’t think we’ll be comfortable doing.

    In future, try this (works for me, sometimes!)…

    Lose the word ‘reason’ from your vocabulary, and replace it with ‘excuse’. You’ll be surprised how much quicker you start to feel guilty about not doing something, and sometimes, quick enough that you can still do those things!

  2. Becki says:

    I’ll try that Mick, thank you! xo And please, be harsh with me! I respond better to tough love. When someone tells me to stop being a baby, I tend to stop being a baby. When someone coddles me, I tend to slip into self-pity.

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