I hit a low point about a week and a half ago and I’m having trouble pulling myself out of it.
There’s a lot floating in my head. Most of it is sadness, loneliness, and what I’m sure most people would call self-pity. Some has to do with my MS. Most with being alone and how my future looks like more of the same.
Last night I saw M, a man I’ve know a few years and am FWB with. He’s amazing in bed. Not a hard fuck, but he knows how to have soft, slow sex, the kind that makes me feel like I’m with someone who cares about me. He says he cares about me, likes to tell me he loves me when we’re having sex. But he’s poly-amorous, which I won’t get involved with. I have enough problems feeling sad and alone on my own, I don’t need to think of the man I’m dating being with someone else. I’ve always said the day that he makes me cry is the day I walk away from him. Last night on the ride home I cried.
Thing is, it was more about the situation, than him. When he was telling me he loved me, it made me so sad. Made me realize that there isn’t anyone out there who does love me (and don’t say my parents or friends, that’s not the kind of love I’m talking about). I suppose there are many, many people out there who feel this way, but all I’ve ever wanted was to be in a relationship and be in love. My sister always wanted a career and a PhD. I always wanted a husband and kids. She’s married, I’ve never even come close.
I’m working on accepting a future without kids. With my illnesses, it’s seemingly like the smartest decision more and more each day. But goddess, I still hate the thought of being alone. I’m not made to be alone. I’m at my lowest when it’s just me. I’m happier, more positive, calmer, even healthier when I’m with someone. And it’s not because I need validation that I’m a good person or because of a lack of self-esteem. I’ve got plenty of self-confidence. I have plenty of love. I just don’t have anybody to give it to, and that makes me feel so very sad.
Last night when M was telling me he loved me and wanted me to tell him I loved him, it took me out of the toe-curling orgasms, where I had gone to escape the funk I had been battling the last couple days, and put me back into that low spot. It’s been years since someone has told me they loved me, and even longer since they actually meant it.
I just… god, I feel pathetic even writing this to a bunch of strangers… I just want someone to love me.