Fadó, fadó (Long ago), I had amazing self-confidence. Even when I was at my heaviest weight of over 350 pounds, I rocked my curves and strutted everywhere I went, drawing appreciative looks from men (and some women). I know my self-confidence was a big part of what the Knight was attracted to. But after the Knight broke up with me, I lost it all. It just went plummeting down the drain and flowed out of my life. It got so bad that I went back to therapy. When I lost the Knight, I lost something more important – I lost my happy. And I don’t mean I lost the person who made me happy, because I was very happy long before the Knight. No, I lost that essential part of me that was confident and happy all on her own. And I’ll admit, for a very long time, I was terrified I’d never get it back.
But the last couple of weeks I’ve noticed myself having glimpsed that confidence again. I’ll be having a conversation and I’ll make a comment like “I’m too damn sexy for him anyways,” or “I know I’m smart, sexy, beautiful, and awesome.” Before I’d say it and sound like I meant it, but inside the words would sound hollow and empty to me. They had no meaning. But now I’ve noticed that I actually mean it. I actually believe it again.
I don’t feel this way all the time yet; trust me there are still more days when I feel fat and ugly than days when I feel sexy and beautiful. But I’m getting there. I’m having those confident days again. I’m really over the Knight and I’m really becoming myself again. And fuck, that feels good!