Fadó, fadó (Long ago), I had amazing self-confidence.  Even when I was at my heaviest weight of over 350 pounds, I rocked my curves and strutted everywhere I went, drawing appreciative looks from men (and some women).  I know my self-confidence was a big part of what the Knight was attracted to.  But after the Knight broke up with me, I lost it all. It just went plummeting down the drain and flowed out of my life.  It got so bad that I went back to therapy.  When I lost the Knight, I lost something more important – I lost my happy.  And I don’t mean I lost the person who made me happy, because I was very happy long before the Knight.  No, I lost that essential part of me that was confident and happy all on her own.  And I’ll admit, for a very long time, I was terrified I’d never get it back.

But the last couple of weeks I’ve noticed myself having glimpsed that confidence again.  I’ll be having a conversation and I’ll make a comment like “I’m too damn sexy for him anyways,” or “I know I’m smart, sexy, beautiful, and awesome.”  Before I’d say it and sound like I meant it, but inside the words would sound hollow and empty to me.  They had no meaning.  But now I’ve noticed that I actually mean it. I actually believe it again.

I don’t feel this way all the time yet; trust me there are still more days when I feel fat and ugly than days when I feel sexy and beautiful. But I’m getting there.  I’m having those confident days again.  I’m really over the Knight and I’m really becoming myself again.  And fuck, that feels good!


About Becki

I'm Becki, I'm 39, and I'm crazy (but also fucking awesome). :) You can follow me on Twitter @Koppur (pronounced Copper, like the color of my hair - Redheads kick ass!) or just adore me here.
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