Confidence

Fadó, fadó (Long ago), I had amazing self-confidence.  Even when I was at my heaviest weight of over 350 pounds, I rocked my curves and strutted everywhere I went, drawing appreciative looks from men (and some women).  I know my self-confidence was a big part of what the Knight was attracted to.  But after the Knight broke up with me, I lost it all. It just went plummeting down the drain and flowed out of my life.  It got so bad that I went back to therapy.  When I lost the Knight, I lost something more important – I lost my happy.  And I don’t mean I lost the person who made me happy, because I was very happy long before the Knight.  No, I lost that essential part of me that was confident and happy all on her own.  And I’ll admit, for a very long time, I was terrified I’d never get it back.

But the last couple of weeks I’ve noticed myself having glimpsed that confidence again.  I’ll be having a conversation and I’ll make a comment like “I’m too damn sexy for him anyways,” or “I know I’m smart, sexy, beautiful, and awesome.”  Before I’d say it and sound like I meant it, but inside the words would sound hollow and empty to me.  They had no meaning.  But now I’ve noticed that I actually mean it. I actually believe it again.

I don’t feel this way all the time yet; trust me there are still more days when I feel fat and ugly than days when I feel sexy and beautiful. But I’m getting there.  I’m having those confident days again.  I’m really over the Knight and I’m really becoming myself again.  And fuck, that feels good!

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About Becki

I'm Becki, I'm 39, and I'm crazy (but also fucking awesome). :) You can follow me on Twitter @Koppur (pronounced Copper, like the color of my hair - Redheads kick ass!) or just adore me here.
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